Trying to give something up that doesn’t serve you and finding it difficult? Let’s solve this mystery once and for all.
First, let’s let go of some of the most common false ideas about releasing something from your life, whether it is a food, drink, substance, attitude, behavior, pattern of behavior, relationship, group of people, or any other attachment.
Myth # 1: I must not have enough willpower.
Most people think that giving something up is about willpower. They berate themselves when they find themselves with the half-eaten cookie in their hand once again and chalk it up to too little willpower.
A cookie is an easy example. Another easy example is that glass of wine. The examples are clear; you either ate the cookie or drank the glass of wine, or you didn’t. Triumph or failure.
These examples might be what you would like to give up as well. Perhaps you’ve set the goal of eating less sugar. It could be your goal is not to reduce, or eliminate, your alcohol consumption. For another, it could be they want to eat less meat and animal products or eliminate them from their diet.
Others may want to release patterns of behavior, beliefs, and/or perspectives. They no longer want to flood with anger when triggered by x,y, or z. Perhaps they want to talk kinder to themselves, others, or both.
It could be they want to give up self-doubt and feel unconfident or fearful. Others may want to release using perfectionism, people pleasing, or retreat and passive-aggressive behavior as their coping mechanism when they think they are not measuring up or worthy of love.
So here we go. Some of the elements are easy to quantify and others aren’t. But all have far less to do with willpower than the majority of people think.
So if releasing isn’t about willpower, then what is it?
Understanding. A paradigm shift. New clarity and perspective. Conscious awareness.
99.9% of the time the thing we do, say, believe, reach for, retract from, or struggle for is an unconscious choice.
We aren’t aware of the WHY.
Why are we reaching for that cookie? Why are we craving a glass of wine? Why are we feeling the surge of anger? Why do we keep driving ourselves into the ground with perfectionistic behavior? Why do we seek harmony by pleasing those around us instead of voicing our truth, boundaries, needs, and desires?
Why?
The why is the root. It’s time to do some digging.
Once you know what the root is, then you can gently pull.
Have you ever tried to yank a weed out of the earth, only to have the top come off? In contrast, if you gently pull, focusing on dislodging the root, then you can remove the entire weed. That’s exactly what you can do here with what it is you want to release.
Dive deep to find the root need that wants to be met.
Find the root. Gently pull. Be patient.
Speak that need out loud.
I know it might seem cheesy new age or weird. Our words have power and speaking your need out loud is claiming it. You might have all sorts of bizarre emotions come up when you do this. Your mind might tell you that you shouldn’t have this need, aren’t worthy of it being met, and that it isn’t possible because of x,y,z, or all sorts of other things. Take note. Be the third-party observer of these thoughts.
Let’s use the easy examples first. You keep reaching for a cookie when you want to release eating so much sugar. Why are you doing this? What is the need underneath the desire? We usually don’t stop to dig to the root. We crave a cookie, we eat the cookie. Repeat. The root need could be a need to feel nourished, treated, celebrated, comforted, supported, energized, escape, hide, or something else.
Now, when you read this past list, you might scoff. How is one little cookie going to give you a feeling of being comforted, let alone celebrated? And there is the rub. One cookie won’t. But it will ease the need. It will take the edge off it, and highly likely, the one cookie will not be enough. That’s how you can open a pack of cookies or bake a batch and end up covered in cookie crumbles with half or all of them gone.
When you crave a cookie and stop to scan, you can see that there is a deep root need there; perhaps it is to feel comforted and supported. In the pause, you find that root and you can then become conscious of what you could do to satisfy this need deeply. It could be asking for a hug, calling up someone and asking for help, or taking ten minutes every day for yourself to cuddle in a blanket and drink your favorite warm beverage while listening to soothing music.
Does this make sense?
Now we will take it one step further into something more complicated than to eat or not eat the cookie. Say you want to give up being perfectionistic or people-pleasing. You can dig below the behavior to the beliefs and the needs underneath. How does perfectionism or people-pleasing serve you? What do you hope it will do for you? Why are you doing it?
Dig deeper than I’m a natural caregiver and nurturer, or, I’m just an easygoing person that can go with the flow, or, I am a driven, type A, and ambitious person. Get to the root. Do you crave the admiration? Approval? Gratitude? Escape from potential judgment or criticism? Attention? Affection?
If you dive down, the root need could be safety, belonging, or feeling enough.
You might be amazed how many people on the planet do all sorts of self-defeating, destructive, or bizarre behavior because they are looking for a way to feel deeply, profoundly safe, connected, enough, and worthy of love. It is that simple.
Take perfectionism and people-pleasing, for example. These are coping mechanisms that work to some degree and that is why people keep using them. Like the cookie, they take the edge off, but you keep wanting more.
So they are addictive behaviors because they do not satisfy the root need deeply. Perfectionists often thrive in school, work, home life, and relationships and can accomplish a lot, that is, unless they burn out, which many often do. Others can keep their perfectionistic copying mechanism up for a lifetime, despite the fatigue.
Likewise, some can employ people pleasing their entire lives as well, while most either burn out or have a profound breakdown at some point.
The copying mechanism of pleasing everyone takes up so much energy that it is difficult to sustain without doing self-harm, but it is addictive because one can earn gratitude, approval, connection, and positive emotions. Yet, the root need to feel worthy of love isn’t met because worth is correlated with giving, doing, and keeping everyone else happy.
Just like with the cookie, the answer is to find the root need, dig it up, and brainstorm ways to meet it directly. This can take lots of self-examination, rewiring of behavior, and new ways of doing, interacting, and most importantly- being with yourself.
Myth #2: Just giving it up should work
The second myth is it is as easy as deciding to just give up what it is to release. The end. The truth is that you will achieve success in your release if you brainstorm a replacement or replacements for the element you want to let go of in your life.
Examples:
Instead of reaching for the cookie I am going to:____________________________________. Or:
Instead of people-pleasing behavior, I am going to: __________________________________.
Your replacement for a cookie could be to take a bubble bath, meet a supportive friend for tea, or do a guided grounding and nourishing yoga session or meditation.
Your replacement for the people-pleasing behavior could be breathwork followed by voicing your needs, desires, and truth or standing your ground when challenged. It could be yin yoga or qigong and meditation to get quiet with yourself and be with the parts of you that need to speak, release, and heal. It could be going to therapy to uncover the root of not feeling worthy of your own needs and desires being met or your truth being heard.
Myth 3#: You need to do it alone
Gathering up support is an important element in being able to release what you want from your life. Getting support will enable you to better remain conscious and clear when trigger points come up that challenge you.
You have someone or a group of people you can reach out to when the going gets tough. You need not do it alone or go it alone, and setting up a support team can work wonders in releasing what you want once and for all.
Myth 4#: You are weak, a victim, or not strong enough.
You are POWERFUL. Your power might be buried, but it is there to be uncovered. So dig deep, reach, and empower yourself to take ownership of your beliefs, behavior, and life.
So you want to give something up.
Understand why you’ve been using it as a go-to in the first place. What needs is it meeting or attempting to satisfy? What are all the benefits of doing it? What would be the benefits of giving it up? Are you making the benefits of giving X up BIG enough? Are you keeping the benefits HUGE in your mind?
REMEMBER:
Dig deeper than the surface. Find that root.
Know why you want to release it from your garden.
Gently pull. Decide what you want to plant instead.
You are the curator and artist of your life.
Live a life that is beautiful, gloriously, and authentically you.
Wishing you success, support, and joy in your journey of transformation.
Heather Lenz
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