What Do Men Want More Than Sex?

What Do Men Want More Than Sex? Why is it so Difficult for Women to Give?

What do men want more than sex? 

A safe harbor. 

Men want to stand out there at sea, waiting for the harbor to come into view, anticipating what it will feel like to glide home and get out of the wind and rain.

No, I’m not talking about sex.

I'm talking about refuge, warmth, and acceptance.

Someone who looks him in the eyes and sees the man without the mask and hard exterior. A woman who says, “I’ve missed you,” and he knows it's true.

Sure, he may be pulling her in for an embrace, his chin nestled on her shoulder, smelling her hair. But the moment those arms wrap up around him, his shoulders relax, and his breathing slows. He lets out an internal sigh of relief.

After the time out in the world at sea, it’s a sweet reward to return to a woman who tells a man why she admires him, adores him, loves him, a woman who snuggles up with him on the sofa. 

As they cuddle, or she rubs his neck, his parasympathetic system kicks in, and he feels the stress melt away.

His breathing slows, and his ears relax away from his shoulders. The adrenaline turns off, and the digestion and repair and care team in his body turns on. A revitalizing and renewing process kicks in. She acts as an oasis of calm and restoration.

So why is it so difficult for women to give men what men want even more than sex?

Men want to get back on that boat and sail again out into the world.

I ADORE YOU. NOW LET ME GO.

They crave freedom just as much as a safe harbor.

No, I don't mean all men want sexual freedom. They want to sail into the harbor and then sail back out to sea again. Women can find this difficult to understand or tolerate.

If he’s so in love, then why does he need to leave so often? We didn’t even really talk.

Why is there no rhyme or reason to when, and for how long he ventures out to sea?

Why is he blissfully happy for days or weeks at home, and at other times less so?

It is often bewildering and hurtful for women to have men circle in and back out again over and over again. They can start to cling and plead for the man not to leave. Or they try to forbid it.

Men may acquiesce, but inside they start to feel constricted. Over time resentment can build. Men need freedom. The safe harbor can begin to feel like confinement.

I DON’T FEEL LOVED MR. MAN

Women want to feel cherished, appreciated, and adored. Most women also need more than physical affection. They need to talk to build intimacy.

Even a man who is a brilliant communicator can fail to make his woman feel loved. Whether her love language is words of thanks and admiration, hugs and kisses, small gifts, acts of service, or quality time together, a man needs to know their woman’s love language. 

He needs to give love in her language before he sails away again. Then she will feel loved and be ready to receive him with open arms when he floats back into the harbor.

If they don’t succeed in expressing their love in the woman’s specific love language, then resentment, fear, sadness, or anger can creep in.

WAIT. WHERE’S MY REFUGE?

The next time the man sails home his partner won’t be a welcoming refuge with open arms and words of love and adoration. She’s standing on the other side of a broken bridge, just out of reach.

Hurt and baffled, the man will mourn the loss of the safe harbor he was longing to return to and either physically or emotionally retreat. He still needs to turn off his stress, so he searches for another way to relax and rest.

He may effort to mend the bridge but use the wrong tools. Frustrated, he will sail off again, and the cycle will repeat over and over in a slow downward spiral.

I NEED THE SEA. I WANT A PLACE TO COME HOME.

It isn't that men expect their partners to be always awaiting their return with open arms. The women are busy with their lives while they are apart. Men appreciate a woman who has a full life. It means he can sail away without guilt or worry. She doesn't rely on him to meet all her emotional and social needs. She’s out there busy and looks forward to opening her arms up for him to fall into when he returns home.

It’s just that he wants to come in first place. He wants to be the first choice in her heart.

With freedom and a safe harbor, men can be content without sex during periods of illness or intense stress that prevent lovemaking. Men crave unconditional love and freedom even more than sex.

TAKE ACTION TO GET MORE OF WHAT YOU WANT

But why not have your cake and eat it too?

With all the acts of love, physical affection, and intimacy building, women feel more action in the bedroom. 

Are you in a relationship?

• Ask her if you can make a 2 to 10-minute ritual each night of welcoming each other with a long silent embrace or quiet cuddle on the sofa. Promise you will talk together later ☺

• Find out what your partner’s love language is and begin to give love in her language. 

• Spend a few minutes a day talking with your woman to build intimacy.

• As you lay in her arms, don't be embarrassed to be vulnerable or weak and voice your fears, worries, or insecurities. It doesn’t mean she will walk all over you, or that you are less masculine. If she does, then maybe you should end the relationship. You should be able to be real with the woman you love.

• Explain why you need to have spaced apart, and why it has nothing to do with how much you adore her and love spending time with her.

• Encourage your partner to continue to live her own life as you fall in love, or support her in going after her new interests, passions, dreams, or building her friendships.

• What’s your love language? Ask if she can give it once a day or a week. For instance, a relationship can start with lots of words of adoration or acts of service, and then these can disappear. Miss them? Ask for them to start up again.

• Be afraid to ask for daily compliments, write your love notes, or her to make your favorite brownies.